From now on, my blogs are gonna be in the fucking FRIENDS-ONLY post because I just found out that some fucking people who does not know but to mind HER on business is snooping in my blog and cursing me of having the fucking happy life that SHE couldn't have and doesn't want anyone else to have it! So, u know who u r... so FUCK OFF!!! I dun give TWO FUCKS ABOUT U... AT ALL! Go screw urself cos no one fucking wants you! Lalala!

 

PS. Who fucking cares what you think? U think u're a hot babe and all that just cos you work as that fucking thing? Think twice... you probably just got the job cos u slept with all the fucking bastards that were hiring in there. so fuck off with ur pathetic life and mind ur own fucking bad ass life... no one cares about u not ur opinion.  

Currently listening to: Fuel - Innocent
Currently feeling: indifferent

Just back from Atmos... actually, was back since 3 AM le... Had to rush back for my stupid hostel curfew, so made Alex leave the club early so he could send me back. Kesian... Ben's fault la! Stew-pit fella couldn't confirm with me whether he wanna go to Barcode after his work (and our clubbing in Atmos) until like after his work! And when he sms-ed to ask if we were going Barcode, it was like already 2.50 AM and Alex was on LDP, on the way fetching me back to Sunway ady! =.=''' Why cant he bloody call like around 2.30 AM or something, where we're still in Atmos? Then we din hafta like cut our party-ing short! Durrr....  

Now to the truth, I actually had split feelings of whether to come back by 3 AM and not go Barcode (which will last til about 5+ or 6 AM (PLUS yamcha), by then the hostel gates are opened already) OR to stay out for 2nd round @ Barcode. But I decided against Barcode, cos I had a feeling HE's mad at me for going clubbing. SMS-ed him in Atmos around 11 PM and told him I was in a club, cos of the event (which John was up to dance tonight, btw, but din get in... sob sob!  He wasn't performing his usual way... pressured himself, I guess) and he din reply me! Then around 12.30 AM, he SMS-ed me to tell me he's back from yamcha with his friends and asked me what I was doing. Told him I was still at the club and watching them perform. He din reply me... at all!!! Basically spoilt my mood to club or dance or whatever... le sigh...    

Called him when I reached hostel at 3 AM. Lucky he picked up my call... He said he wasn't angry at me, but I could tell he was... And he wasn't talking much to me as well...  Later on, he admitted he was a bit mad just now when I just told him I was at the club, but he isn't anymore, just heartache cos I previously had told him I din wanna go clubbing anymore cos he dun like it... but I did this time...  *sob sob*   But I told him this was my last time going, most probably until my birthday which is in July, which he will be there as well (reasons only me and him knows), and he said that was why he isn't really mad, cos he knows this would be my last time going anyways, just heartache cos I went anyways even though I know he'd be sad and mad... and that I had broken what I had promised him about not going previously... My bad, I know...   

So, was on the phone with him for about 1hr 10mins. He planned on not sleeping at all until I called him when I got back! It was lucky I had not SMS-ed him when I was back and called him straight instead... or I'd be in hot water for real! I know he definitely wont reply me... and had I sms him and him not replying me THEN only I call him, I'd be in even hotter water!    But it's all ok now... phew! yeay me for being smart to call...   

Anyways, din take pics of the shuffling... but took lotsa VIDEOS of the event with my trusty phone!  *grins*  Now I can enjoy my very own shuffling videos... but too bad it isn't too clear though... sigh sigh sigh...  Too dark...  

Should be off to bed in a while... need to wake up at 8 AM to wake that piggy up from sleep to go work... and God knows how long that process will take... (I do call him piggy for a reason u know? Other than being cute la, of cos!) The last time I called to wake him up for work, the phone rang til it broke off itself for 5 times! Another time, I called him about 3 times, also til it broke off itself and he STILL din wake up... and the phone was right under his ears thru his pillow!!! Super duper piggy man... MY piggy... heh!

Okie dokie... that's all for update... will most probably be going for the house party @ KY's tomoro... WITH his permission, of course. Which reminds me, gotta call Margie tomoro after I wake up to ask her what's the plan. Then I gotta pack and clean my room up. Probably finish it by tomoro whole day before the party, if possible, cos I hate doing things halfway...

Have a good nights sleep everyone!

P.S. Drank quite a lot tonight... but surprisingly, not drunk... nor felt HIGH... AT ALL! What's wrong with the Black Label we opened tonight? Or is there something wrong with me? Hmm...  

Currently listening to: Andy Lau - Lian Xi (Practice)
Currently watching: Sex & The City
Currently feeling: relieved

It's 4.14 AM...

And Im still awake... Insomnia has bit me on my ass... BAD! Sigh...

Since I have nothing to do... ie. cant sleep. Guess I'll just update some stuff. But won't be touching on the topic and feelings of my recent previous posts cos I was told not to spill out my feelings in my own blog...

Anyways... din do much today... just went for K session  @ Red Box with Margie from 2 PM - 5 PM and then headed to Starbucks to meet up for yamcha with Galvin and Sharon. But they both reached around 6+ PM and it was a pretty short yamcha session as Margie had to take off to finish up her stuff.

So me, Galvin and Sharon went to Asia Cafe to play some pool and foos around 7+ PM. An hour later, we headed to SS2 to meet up with Margie, Faggots, Sotong, Jojo and a lot more others for dinner/yamcha session.

Headed back to Asia to continue our pool/foos sessions again around 10 PM. Nice surprise was suddenly seeing Vince show up to talk a while. Din expect him there cos when I told him thru sms that I was there, he din tell me he was coming over. Heh... Anyways... Galvin then had to sent me back to my "prison" in time for my 12 AM curfew. Dam fucking like Cinderella CAN!

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Will be going to Atmosphere on Friday (13/05/05)! If you dun already know, there's a shuffling competition going on over there (1st qualifying round started last Fri, which I was supposed to go but my friend couldn't make it to fetch me there last minute, so I din get to go) and Alex and John are taking part in it. So I'll be meeting up with Alex at MV, wait for him to get off work around 9.30 PM and then head there. I dunno if either of them will be dancing this Fri tho, cos they draw lots every week to see who's up for the night.

Later on after Atmos closes, most probably will head to Barcode or just go yamcha. Ben wants to go club with me cos he has never before. Probably dam curious as to how I the clubbing me looks/is like. Padan muka la... who ask him din take me go clubbing when we were together!  

Anyways, will try to get some pictures of the event and some shufflers doing their stunts with my trusty cam-phone.

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And then on Saturday, there'll be a house party at KY's place. If Im not mistaken, it's to celebrate Margie's birthday (20/05).    Not too sure tho. Cant celebrate on that day itself cos she wants to go back home and celebrate with her family.

We've got booze, we've got food, we've got music, AND we've got a DISCO BALL! For real! haha... The previous house party @ KY's (which I went to, but had to leave early to Atmos for another birthday party) had the police coming over to "raid" TWICE! Probably cos they had the music on too loud and fucking disturbed the neighbours. Wonder if deja vu will hit this time... hope not *keeps fingers crossed*

Also, will try to capture some "drunken" pics or funny stuff with my phone again... provided I myself din KO also la! Haha...  

P.S. If any of you readers happen to be in Atmosphere on Friday and spot me, remember to say hi to me, AND do tell me where you "know" me from ya? Cos I usually put on a "lansi" face when I go club and some stranger just jumps out of nowhere. Or if I DO go to Barcode after Atmos and you see me there, say hi to me ya? hehe...

 

Currently listening to: Leo Ku - Bit Sat Kei
Currently feeling: restless

Should I tell it tomorrow? I think I should. But I dunno how to break the news.

HE said HE'd help me tell them, and that would be easier, but I will have to face the music later on after HE's told them as well.

Should I leave it in HIS hands to help me settle the "opening mouth" part or should I do the whole thing myself? Sigh...

Whatever it is, I HAVE to do it soon.

* Cos time's running out.

* Im losing too much sleep cos of that. Each time I wanna go to sleep. My heart starts beating very fast. And my eyes refuse to shut. My heart just feels restless and I cant sleep. I feel unease. Even when I'm really sleepy.

* Im losing appetite as well. I dun feel hungry even after 24hrs or more of no food consumption. And when I am hungry, and wanna find food to eat, my stomach feels like its tied a knot and I cant eat. If I do eat, I cant get myself to swallow the food in my mouth.

* Im going crazy and seriously NEED to stop cutting myself. Cut scars are falling upon my arms. Badly.

* I need help. God, please help me go through the situation well. And let's hope they handle the things I have to tell them better than I expected. Much much better, cos I expected the worst.

* I need a psychiatrist. I need professional help.

  

Currently listening to: Fiona Sit - kei lok lei wai si wui sun
Currently feeling: depressed

I dono why Im sighing.... Been soooo long since I've actually made an update again huh?

My cousin's gonna register marriage this coming May 22nd! This is so exciting... you wanna know some coincidence of the date 22nd? Me + Him = 2203, 1st time holidaying together (LANJUT) + 1 month aniversary = 2204, cousin register marriage + 2 month aniversary = 2205 Talk about the bliss of coincidence eh? *wink*

So, how did everyone spend their long weekend last week?

Me, I went back to see HIM. Things were ok at first... but it got kinda rocky after that. We got into minor fights every so often... miscommunication is such a fucking bugger. All our rows are due to his lacking in English and my not-so-good Chinese. Fuck... This is of cos not the only reason for our fall outs but majority of it is... sigh... sigh...

But still, Im very happy being with him. He's not like the others I've been with. He makes effort, he gives me his all, he puts me first (even before himself)... he reminds me of... me! Most importantly, he makes me feel loved and happy. I feel he cares about me.

The best part, he'll be coming down to see me this coming Monday. Im so psyched! I feel so happy... but...

Depression still on, btw... self mutilation mode is still on too... just haven been able to do anything during the period of time I spent with him cos he keeps his eye on me all the time, not allowing me time to turn depressed. *sweet* But now that Im back and the problems are all still there... I would have to deal with it, face it... and with him not here with me, I dono what I'll do again... that knife looks so tempting to me now... My almost healing wound from last week seems to itch for the sharp blade to come in contact once more...

Sorry, Im not really in the mood to make my blog colorful. It would be dark n gloomy, like I am now... Fuck...

  

Currently feeling: depressed

Wrote a whole lot of updates yesterday but when I was almost done and about to post it, I dunno what the fuck is wrong with my PC... it just simply closed my IE window! MCH TNS CCB...

So now Im too lazy to write long stuff so I'll just bullet-point what I gotta say :-

  *  Senghau's birthday party cum Lanjut trip was great. Grew a tad tanned from all the swimming and frolicking under the sun on the beach in Lanjut. Nice~

  *  Currently feeling super stressed and more depressed than usual. Too many things on my mind, too many hurt felt and shitty stuff to face. Im a loser. Im a useless piece of shit. Not helping : Assignments pilling like nofuckingbody's business. Self-esteem and self confidence falling waay below 0. Which leads to... 

  *  Self-mutilation mode : ON. The pain never felt so good. Makes me feel alive. Blood. Wound. No self control.

  *  Suicidal thoughts : blinking. If not for him and effort whole of last night, convincing me, begging me, crying his eyes out, trying to get me out of doing it, I think I would have. But I finally gave in after seeing how heartbroken and hurt he is, I promised I'd hold back and not think about that issue until Im back there and we'd think of a solution together to solve it (hence, cutting myself, hurting myself... ahhhh...)

If you don't understand this entry, its ok. Its my blog anyways and its for me to understand. Im in my fucking depression again, so this is me... Call me weird, call me foolish, call me anything you want. But this is me... I don't care anymore... Nobody cares anyways...

 

Had my daily dose of Friendster just a while ago and a distant friend in my network posted this on the bulletin board, which, though it ain't the most perfect poem ever written, but it has a nice touch to it that will remind everyone of the reasons why they love someone. And because of that, I am gonna share it with you : -

I love the fact that you love me,
that you're always there for me
I love the fact that you always make time for me,
no matter how busy you are
I love the fact that you're patient with me,
and tolerate me
I love the fact that I feel I can always depend on you,
that you'll always support me
I love the fact that you've seen my flaws,
and still love me despite it
I love the fact that you are comfortable enough to
show me your flaws too
I love the fact that you make me laugh
when I feel like frowning more
I love the fact that you notice my likes and dislikes,
and remember
I love the fact that you are honest with me
I love the fact that you share how you feel with me
I love the fact that you take into consideration my needs and feelings
I love the fact that you let me do what I want,
and encourage me to be me, only better
I love the fact that we share the same values,
and respect the ones which are different
I love the fact that you see me as an equal,
and value my opinions
I love the fact that your concern has no ulterior motives
I love the fact that we can communicate so well,
words are not always necessary

These are but a fraction of reasons why I LOVE YOU

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

5.41 AM : I'm bored cos I cant sleep, as usual. Insomnia strikes again!  Anyways, I realised a lot of changes in the me now and the me then. I am still the hot tempered girl that I'm born to be, being a Leo, but I noticed that I am getting better at anger management now and being more in control of my temper compared to the old me. For example, me and him has a misunderstanding over something the other person has texted, ie. communication breakdown. The old me would be a raging fire and start accusing him of being uncaring and throwing stuff like 'you don't care about me anymore", "why you wanna hurt me" and whatsnots at him to make him hurt as well and to put him in a tight spot. However, the new me would take things out and discuss with him, in a nice and calm tone to get things straight, instead of accusing. No more shouting, no more tantrums. Upset, yes, still there... but no "little girl behaviours".  

Besides that, I am a person who thinks too much and can take practically any innocent thing and turn it into a huge scenario or problem. That was the me.... then. The me now, though still does it sometimes, but the possibility of it happening now has toned down quite some volume and ever since I have gotten hold of the reigns of my straying mind, I have been feeling lesser stress and depression over nothings [NOTE : this does not mean that I'm not stressed and depressed nowadays, or now. It just means that now my stress and depressions are over actual things and a minor part of it is over things that I don't even know why Im stressing over or what Im depressed for.]

I used to be the type of girl who crave to be the perfect girlfriend for my significant other. Going all out of my way to make him know I care, I love and whatever that my romantic side can think of doing. This, in return, got me heartbreak. Cos I treated them too well and they took me for granted, treated me like trash, and even thought of me as clingy and needy, when all I wanted to do was to show them how I feel, instead of the sucky cat-and-mouse game. [Cos I don't understand why you have to play any charades with your partner, if you love them, just SHOW IT!] But they wanted the game in the relationship, I didn't. So they got rid of me. I learned things the hard, this time. I been through serious shits and freaking hell that you cannot imagine. But I never once regretted anything in my past, cos regretting the past isn't all that useful since whats done cannot be undone. Besides, if I had never been through those nightmares, I may have never even thought of getting rid of my flaws and change for the better. If I had never went through what I had before this, I may have taken for granted everything and everyone who cares and loves me around me. I think I would have been a more fucking biatch than I already am right now if not for my sucky past. Seriously, I would not have met someone who is just like me, who went through similar shits but still held the small, tiny hope that he will find someone who will love, care and appreciate him as much as he does her. I have never really believed in soulmate, but this time, I just might cos the similarity in us, what we say, how we think, what we do, all by coincidence, is somewhat freakishly the same! No planning ahead, not even an eye contact.

Though I still have a long long journey to change myself for the better til I am fully cured and all... but the road to where I am right now was not easy to walk at all as there are always obstacles in the way and hidden traps as well as surprises to dread or look forward to. But seeing the improvements I seen in myself til today, I know I should not give up on myself and will walk this winding road... hopefully with him right beside me, for always.  

**Countdown : 1 more day til we meet again...  

  

Currently listening to: Andy Hui - Da Nan Ren
Currently reading: journals
Currently feeling: productive

Ooh.... Been days... as in a WEEK!... since I been online... Why? Cos I had my one week's uni break last week... too short break I tell you! SHORT! I need loooooooooong break to get away from it all... sigh.... hence, my not blogging or coming online. This is record breaking cos I always ALWAYS go online when Im at home... but not this time! No... my home internet din break down... no, my home PC is still there... this means... I actually did not go online... by CHOICE ! O_o I dono to be proud of myself or to panic now... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  

Sorry for my crappiness... it's 7.04 AM now and I haven slept a wink since yesterday! w00t w00t~

Anyways, my week's break was an uneventful one... basically consists of sleeping til late in the afternoon, watching tv, eat, bathe, eat, watch tv, go out yamcha, coming back late, chatting on the phone with him, sleep... repeat in day #2 and so on and so forth...

Anything exciting happened during that period of time? NOPE! NIL. Nada. Which kinda suits me pretty well considering I've had enough of windmills in my life... I need a stable life... a rock steady one... no more rough waves of the sea in my life...

Speaking of seas... may head down to Lanjut, Pahang for the weekend with him and a bunch of friends for a friend's birthday... Will be going to Senghau's home for celebration around 7 or 8 PM on Friday and then off to Lanjut at around 3+ or 4 AM to reach the seaside in time to catch a glimpse of sunrise *whee*.  Hope things goes according to plan. It's been a while since I went to the beach [dun think that that's not possible just because I stay in Terengganu, where it's all sandy beaches surrounding you can! Cos when you live near the beach about 1/3 of your life so far... well, you tend to forget it... or maybe take it for granted.  ]

Things I look forward to from trip to Lanjut :

- Getting to see him & be with him  (getting to spend as much time with him is the best, considering I don't get to see him often. And what better than a "romantic"  *with all those 8 8 friends there? haha, yea right!* getaway by the beach... )

- BARBEQUE by the beach @ night!  (who doesn't like BBQ? No questions asked.)

- Fun in the sun, basking & frolicking @ the beach... *daydreams*

- Maybe this relaxation by the beach will get me out of my depression and stress...

Things I dread from trip to Lanjut :

- Getting dark!!! (I hate getting dark becos... 1. I look "dirty" when dark...  2. From years of tennis tournaments from morn til late evening, I DON'T TAN can? I get RED and I BURN easily... which means I will peel after that and it will hurt... *ouch* Sigh...  

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Speaking of Lanjut... This brings back memories of my first and previous time there. It should be about 3 - 4 years ago, I went with my cousins and their family as well as my cousins' friends (about 20+ almost 30, their ages). Anyways, they brought tons of beers and hard liquor to drink the night away and by the time everyone of them turned in to bed, they were too fucked up to clean up. Me? I was among the first turn myself in (along with my girl cousin) cos Im a good girl, I din drink can.  

So anyways, I woke up pretty early the next morning. It was checking-out day. My guy cousin and his parents had already head of to play golf. The place was a mess, so me and two of my cousins' friends who are awake too began to clean up the place, picking up garbages, emptying those beer cans and glasses. One of my cousin's friend took a bunch of glasses to put by the sink so they can be washed later. How he put them there? By stacking them up! Not only that, he stacked like around 8 - 10 glasses.

I was emptying the remaining beer from beer cans by the sink when the tower of glasses he had put started to fall my way. On reflex, I tried to save the glasses by using my (right) hand to try and catch it. However, I failed to save them. They just whacked my fourth finger and hit the ground (plus my right foot). I felt terrible pain in both my right finger and toes. When I was gonna check if my leg is ok, I felt stoned to see a puddle of red goo on the wooden floor of the chalet's kitchen! Turns out, the blood was from the few minor cuts on my 3rd and 4th toes. But most of the amount of blood came from the open wound on my fourth finger. It was really bad... the glasses weren't broken when they came in contact with my hand, but somehow or another, it managed to cut out a round piece of flesh on the side of my 4th right finger! I could see the blood oozing from the open wound and dripping onto the floor thru my hanging piece of flesh!

Worst of all... We din have any first aid kits whatsoever with us (who would have thought these kinda incidents would happen... silly us) so I ran my wound in the tap water (fucking painful btw, DON'T ever try that k), "paste" back the hanging flesh and had to make do with constantly changing the tissue I wrapped around my finger and toes cos they kept turning bloody red.

By 9 AM, the sun was shining brightly and us awake ones decided to have breakfast on the balcony facing the seaside and while they sat in the shade, I sat alone in the most sunny spot I can find. Why? No, its not because I wanna get a suntan before heading back. It's cos I had lost enough blood in the incident that I was turning pale and I was shivering. Yes, really shivering! Even my lips turned blue can?

Anyhoo, despite that... Im still looking forward to this weekend... let's hope my luck in Lanjut this time will be better, with NO mishaps... la la la~

So much for my blog update... Finally, I end this blog with a quiz I "nicked" from PennypupZ's page...

Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla

Im cocktail eh? Hmm... not half bad... I love cocktails... Yummy!  Oh lookie the time... 8.10 AM... Gotta go get ready for class! Toodles~

 

Currently listening to: Twins - Jing Suen
Currently reading: International Business Textbook
Currently watching: TVB series
Currently feeling: restless